I want to go home.
I have no home.
I am Home.
These phrases have been going over and over and over in my head for a few weeks now, in this exact order, as if stuck on repeat. When I finally mentioned it to someone, I explained to them that I feel as though I want to go home whether I am feeling weak or strong. When I am weak, I feel homesick. I miss my parents and my brother and sister and my grams. I miss hugs and all of the things I know and understand. When I am strong, I feel as though I'm ready to go back and find the stability I know I can create for myself.
In those same moments of weakness, even though I long for home, I know there is nothing there for me that is different from here. The same lessons, the same loneliness, the same restlessness exists no matter where I am. I have no home. I have let go of the things in Nashville that made it my "home". I don't need to go back there.
In those same moments of strength, I know that I can find the same comforts, the same beauty, the same stability no matter where I am. It is my choice where I decide to set up shop. Home is where the heart is and my heart is in this body. So, Home is this body, right? It is the world. It is the universe. Home is wherever I am. I am Home.
I don't know what to choose, so I sit...still. I sit until I know it's time to move. I sit until I know where to go, until I feel that my home is in this body. This body is the temple for the goddess that I am. I see glimpses of this, but it doesn't stick. I know in the marrow in my bones that I am that, but it doesn't stick. So I practice. I continue to practice until it is all I know.
When I think about Nashville, though, I think about all of the precious moments I'm missing with my niece and nephew. The moments I'm missing with my grams and Grandma D who aren't going to be around forever. Is it worth it? What am I getting here that I couldn't get there? Why am I here? Why am I in India doing the same things I could be doing there? Learning the same lessons I could be learning there?
The phrases have shifted now.
I am Home in this body.
I can be Home anywhere.
I want to go home.
The one consistency is that I want to go back to Nashville. I feel like I'm done here. It's coming from a calm place. I could go anywhere, but why? I can always travel. I can always explore. I'm ready to grow some roots, and I can do that anywhere. Why not do it where my family and friends are?
This brings to mind one of the Rules for Being Human:
'There' is no better than 'here.' When your 'there' has become 'here,' you will simply obtain another 'there' that will again look better than 'here.'
'Here' is pretty gorgeous, though! Not to mention that all I have to do is sit and enjoy the 'here.' I need to figure out how to do this more in Nashville, I suppose.
Disclaimer: these thoughts are temporary and may change by tomorrow or even in the next hour.
View of Arunachala from the roof where I meditate every morning.