I asked this question every day in my meditation for the last year. Or maybe more. I don't actually remember when I started. Corrine taught me these self-reflection questions at Ivy House at some point in one of the group meditations or immersion or something.
Who am I?
What do I want?
What is my purpose/How may I serve?
Sometimes answers come, sometimes I just sit there in silence eagerly waiting for the little voice in my head to tell me what to do with my life. Most days, the answer was to rest, be still, be silent. It would come from the little voice or even from my teachers, but I needed to be still. I didn't give myself that luxury until I came to India.
After the first two weeks of running around, I started saying "no" to going to the ashram or up the mountain to Skanda cave to meditate or to the temple. I stopped running around so much and just sat still.
I should do those things since I'm here, right? I should soak up as much of the mountain and the ashram and Ramana's teachings as possible before I leave, right? What feels important is not always the best thing to do, though. I listened to my gut and my body and gave myself the rest I wanted.
Then, an email came from my dad. Lipscomb U is hiring a Missions Coordinator for their medical and engineering missions. This would combine my engineering/ management/ organizational skills with my love of travel and my desire to serve. Was this the answer to my question? It feels right. I sat on it for a day.
Questions came up. I know the woman who served in this position before. Could I do as good of a job as her?? We're different people, so it would be different. We're also very similar, though, so maybe I will find the same strengths and grace in myself that I see in her. What if it's too corporate? I already know how to navigate that. What if I get in there and don't like it? That's always a possibility. What if I get in there and they don't like me? That's a possibility too. What if I don't have the strength, courage, passion...???
The ego has a funny way of creeping into every decision we make and creating excuses of why we shouldn't do things. These are all valid questions. They're also coming from a place of fear, and not from a place of love or faith or trust. So, I let the questions run through my head and then I found the quiet once they were all finished. In that quiet came a different type of question. Who am I to even make this decision? In that moment, I surrendered. I offered up a prayer to God that the decision that was made was in the highest interest of everyone involved, and I surrendered to the fact that I may or may not be the best candidate for the position, but that was not my call. It seemed perfect for me, though, so with that prayer, I submitted my application.
God, please help me to see the light in every situation and every person I encounter today. Please help me to serve in any way you see fit. I am but your instrument in an orchestra that is much bigger than my self. Please help me to have the wisdom to know and the courage to play my part. Please help me to find the love in my heart so that I may share that love with others. Thank you, God, for all of the blessings you continue to rain down on me and everyone on this earth, and for helping me to see those blessings in every moment. Thank you for giving me the guidance and the resources to slow down and take pleasure in the small things. Thank you for loving me when I can't find the strength to love myself. Thank you, God.